just for the illusion of perfection

Have I really not blogged since June?  With a fact like that, I’ll be surprised if anyone still reads it.  It makes me want to start all over, new site, new blog, new focus, but I know my same habits will still be there.  I’d still want that picture of me in my wedding dress, faceless in a way that I hope makes every woman relate to or at least dream of being married.  My blogs would still focus on myself, as they always do, and my journeys and trials and triumphs along the way.  I’d write to show everyone how I’ve grown, what I’ve accomplished, how I’ve gotten there, not necessarily who I am.

Thinking back on how flawed I am, even in blogging, still makes me want to wipe it all away and start over.  The ever-present New Year’s Resolution sort of mentality- you start full throttle, positive you’ll be so successful they’ll be making movies about you in whatever new venture you’ve taken up.   For a week or two you stick to it religiously, creating, contributing, building slowly, every day.

Then you miss one day.

No big deal, I’ll pick it back up tomorrow. Then tomorrow becomes today and the new something suddenly seems more like a chore than a treat, but you do it anyway.  The next day you remember how easy it was to skip a day, then pick back up so you decide that today you’ll let yourself spend that extra time watching a movie and you’ll pick back up tomorrow like you did before.  Only tomorrow, there’s laundry to do so you put it off until the next day, but the next day you’re just. so. tired. and before you know it it’s six months later and you haven’t touched any of the stuff you bought to make you a better fill-in-the-blank-er.  And on that day, six months later you stumble upon your old hobby and think You know, I really enjoyed that.  I should do that again, only better this time.   This time I won’t lag.  I’ll make a plan, I’ll have a routine, (etc…)

…I should just start over.

So here I sit, wishing to start over, knowing it won’t make any difference.







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2 responses to “just for the illusion of perfection

  1. MEgan

    We should do a 30 day blog challenge!

  2. Rachel

    Great idea!

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